So, I probably worried some people with that post earlier today. To be honest, I worried myself. I did end up skipping Spanish, since I couldn't make myself stop crying for more than a couple minutes at a time.
Well, after some time to think (and talking with a third person and texting a fourth), I think I've got a plan. I'm going to drop out of college. After this semester, whether it ends well or not, I'm going to take a break from college. It's just not working. It's adding stress and debt to my life, I'm not making any real progress toward a degree, and I seem to be moving away from God during the stressful moments. So college seems to be just about the worst place for me to be right now.
So the new plan is to get a job, and stay working until......well, I don't know what would come next. Until plans change, I guess. I might go back to school eventually, I might not.
So yeah....if you're still worried about me, I don't know what else to say--partially because I can't help much more than I have, and partially because I can't seem to successfully type the word "say" in one try right now, because I'm worn out. Going through depression is just exhausting.
Me go bed now. Maybe write again after sleep. Me not think so though.
18 April 2012
What am I doing here?
Last night, I had my second panic attack in as many weeks. Last Tuesday, it was just a general stressing-myself-to-illness type deal. Last night was more specific.
Last night, Mark talked about the myth of "God called me to ______". He was saying that as long as you follow within God's commands, God will bless you, so you should work within the gifts He has given you. On the way home, I got into a conversation about relationships, and when asked where I was, all I could say was that "I don't think I'm in the right place to pursue anyone right now. I don't have my crap together." I didn't really think about it at the time I said it, but a little while after, I was thinking "How do I get my crap together?" That's when it hit. I'm probably going to fail out of college. Again.
I think I realized what my problem is. I want to go to school/work and work hard there, then go home and BE HOME. I hate bringing work home with me, and I can't seem to force myself to work on that stuff at home. Then I thought, "If you can't bring schoolwork home with you now, what's going to change if and when you become a teacher? Do you think you'll suddenly be able to bring work home then?" Then I started wondering what I am going to do if I'm not in school. I'll have to get a job, and somewhere where they won't look at a person who's never had a job that lasted more than a couple months, and flunked out of college twice as someone they would never hire.
Since getting home last night, I've broken down crying in front of two people (one while sitting down to write this post) and been at least on the verge of crying all the time I've been awake. I don't know where my life is going, I'm not sure where I want it to go, and I don't know what I need to do to go from point A to point B.
I don't think I'm going to Spanish today. I think I've had enough of crying in front of people for one day.
Last night, Mark talked about the myth of "God called me to ______". He was saying that as long as you follow within God's commands, God will bless you, so you should work within the gifts He has given you. On the way home, I got into a conversation about relationships, and when asked where I was, all I could say was that "I don't think I'm in the right place to pursue anyone right now. I don't have my crap together." I didn't really think about it at the time I said it, but a little while after, I was thinking "How do I get my crap together?" That's when it hit. I'm probably going to fail out of college. Again.
I think I realized what my problem is. I want to go to school/work and work hard there, then go home and BE HOME. I hate bringing work home with me, and I can't seem to force myself to work on that stuff at home. Then I thought, "If you can't bring schoolwork home with you now, what's going to change if and when you become a teacher? Do you think you'll suddenly be able to bring work home then?" Then I started wondering what I am going to do if I'm not in school. I'll have to get a job, and somewhere where they won't look at a person who's never had a job that lasted more than a couple months, and flunked out of college twice as someone they would never hire.
Since getting home last night, I've broken down crying in front of two people (one while sitting down to write this post) and been at least on the verge of crying all the time I've been awake. I don't know where my life is going, I'm not sure where I want it to go, and I don't know what I need to do to go from point A to point B.
I don't think I'm going to Spanish today. I think I've had enough of crying in front of people for one day.
09 April 2012
Easter Weekend
I pooped a lot over Easter weekend. Okay, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about real stuff.
It was a long weekend. I woke up Saturday at around 7 or 7:30 (after deciding to sleep in) and proceeded to waste most of the day. Setup and practice for Sunday morning was scheduled for 5:00, and I didn't want to ask anyone for a ride, so I started walking at around a quarter to 4. After a more-involved-than-usual setup, it was time to start practicing the drama (though only after finding out that two lights were burned out, and one channel on one of the control boxes was faulty). Near the beginning, the practice was a little rough, but it got better as the evening went on. We wrapped up at around 10, needing to be back at 7 for worship practice--and the techies planned to be there earlier than that.
After getting a ride home, I had a snack, read a little, and went to bed. I checked to make sure my alarm was set, and then my iPod (which I use as an alarm clock) decided to delete all of my alarms, so I spent a couple minutes resetting all of them (9 in total). So, at about 11, I started to try to sleep. I couldn't. I'm not sure how much sleep I got, because I remember looking at the clock at 12:55 and thinking, "If I can't get to sleep in the next half hour, I'll just get up. 3 hours of sleep is worse than no sleep." I don't remember looking at the clock after that, until I woke up at 4, at which point I thought, "Well, I got 2 hours, and I've still got half an hour before my alarm. That'll have to do." I don't know if my math was just bad because I was tired, or I've since forgotten looking at the clock at a later point, but these two thoughts conflict. I went back to sleep at that point.
When my alarm went off, I had one thought. "Cold." I got up, got ready to leave, and left at a quarter after 5, knowing that my best chance to stay awake during the service was to walk to church. After getting across the Kum & Go parking lot, I turned around to get my jacket, because "I can ignore tiredness or cold, but not both."
I arrived first, and turned everything on. Worship team practice was fairly normal, then the drama people came back for their final run-throughs. During that, we found out that the cord that takes audio from the computer to the sound board was bad--a whipping sound in the video for the drama sounded like bubbles bursting underwater--so we switched out for a more complicated cord system. (This will become more important soon) After switching, the audio from the computer was more clear than it had been for any of Saturday's or Sunday's practices.
Practice finished around 10, so we opened the doors, and had the computer playing ambient music. While I was mingling, the music turned to crackling. I rushed over, joining the sound guy at the board. A mild panic ensued among the techies until the sound guy found out that one of the connections between cords wasn't pushed in all the way, and the crisis was averted.
Then during the opening worship, all sound suddenly cut off. The song became an acoustic song in the middle--which did not seem to bother the congregation much. The sound guy and drummer stopped to figure out what was wrong. During meet and greet, the light guy and I went up to see what the problem was. Before announcements, we had figured out that we had blown a fuse. The pastor doing announcements even said that he was going to stall until the tech guys could get the problem solved--as part of his announcements. The problem was fixed, and when he turned on his mike and his voice came out of the speakers, a round of applause came from the crowd. The drama went off without a hitch--other than one point where a line was forgotten, but he covered nicely.
On the way home, the exhaustion finally hit. I probably should have napped at some point yesterday, but I never did--even when my vision started to go wonky a couple times, and I had trouble typing. I don't think I'm fully recovered, even after a full night's sleep, because my left eye keeps twitching. Hopefully that goes away by tomorrow.
It was a long weekend. I woke up Saturday at around 7 or 7:30 (after deciding to sleep in) and proceeded to waste most of the day. Setup and practice for Sunday morning was scheduled for 5:00, and I didn't want to ask anyone for a ride, so I started walking at around a quarter to 4. After a more-involved-than-usual setup, it was time to start practicing the drama (though only after finding out that two lights were burned out, and one channel on one of the control boxes was faulty). Near the beginning, the practice was a little rough, but it got better as the evening went on. We wrapped up at around 10, needing to be back at 7 for worship practice--and the techies planned to be there earlier than that.
After getting a ride home, I had a snack, read a little, and went to bed. I checked to make sure my alarm was set, and then my iPod (which I use as an alarm clock) decided to delete all of my alarms, so I spent a couple minutes resetting all of them (9 in total). So, at about 11, I started to try to sleep. I couldn't. I'm not sure how much sleep I got, because I remember looking at the clock at 12:55 and thinking, "If I can't get to sleep in the next half hour, I'll just get up. 3 hours of sleep is worse than no sleep." I don't remember looking at the clock after that, until I woke up at 4, at which point I thought, "Well, I got 2 hours, and I've still got half an hour before my alarm. That'll have to do." I don't know if my math was just bad because I was tired, or I've since forgotten looking at the clock at a later point, but these two thoughts conflict. I went back to sleep at that point.
When my alarm went off, I had one thought. "Cold." I got up, got ready to leave, and left at a quarter after 5, knowing that my best chance to stay awake during the service was to walk to church. After getting across the Kum & Go parking lot, I turned around to get my jacket, because "I can ignore tiredness or cold, but not both."
I arrived first, and turned everything on. Worship team practice was fairly normal, then the drama people came back for their final run-throughs. During that, we found out that the cord that takes audio from the computer to the sound board was bad--a whipping sound in the video for the drama sounded like bubbles bursting underwater--so we switched out for a more complicated cord system. (This will become more important soon) After switching, the audio from the computer was more clear than it had been for any of Saturday's or Sunday's practices.
Practice finished around 10, so we opened the doors, and had the computer playing ambient music. While I was mingling, the music turned to crackling. I rushed over, joining the sound guy at the board. A mild panic ensued among the techies until the sound guy found out that one of the connections between cords wasn't pushed in all the way, and the crisis was averted.
Then during the opening worship, all sound suddenly cut off. The song became an acoustic song in the middle--which did not seem to bother the congregation much. The sound guy and drummer stopped to figure out what was wrong. During meet and greet, the light guy and I went up to see what the problem was. Before announcements, we had figured out that we had blown a fuse. The pastor doing announcements even said that he was going to stall until the tech guys could get the problem solved--as part of his announcements. The problem was fixed, and when he turned on his mike and his voice came out of the speakers, a round of applause came from the crowd. The drama went off without a hitch--other than one point where a line was forgotten, but he covered nicely.
On the way home, the exhaustion finally hit. I probably should have napped at some point yesterday, but I never did--even when my vision started to go wonky a couple times, and I had trouble typing. I don't think I'm fully recovered, even after a full night's sleep, because my left eye keeps twitching. Hopefully that goes away by tomorrow.
02 April 2012
March Madness
So, ESPN was running a Bracket Challenge, with a $10,000 Best Buy gift card at stake. To win, all one had to do was fill out a bracket, then be in the top 1% of entrants. They would then take all these entries into a random drawing, and the one picked gets the prize.
Well, the drawing is on Wednesday. And with Kentucky's win tonight, I am in the 1%. I started poorly, but I finished strong, beating out around 7 million other brackets. I doubt I'll be the lucky one chosen, but as JP (the little kid from Angels in the Outfield) always said: "It could happen."
Well, the drawing is on Wednesday. And with Kentucky's win tonight, I am in the 1%. I started poorly, but I finished strong, beating out around 7 million other brackets. I doubt I'll be the lucky one chosen, but as JP (the little kid from Angels in the Outfield) always said: "It could happen."
Monetary Matters Monday
This probably won't be a series, alliteration is just fun.
Anyway, I know I haven't updated on my weight lately. There's a simple reason for this. I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half. I hopped on the scale this morning, and the news isn't too bad--I've only gained 2 pounds. Well, that's not too important, so let's move on.
I just applied for a passport today. I know, exciting, huh? I had to wait behind one other person, and by the time my application was in, three other people had walked in, so I guess I caught them just as it started to get busy. That took a fair chunk of money, since I'm somewhat impatient and went with expedited, and they had to take my picture there--and since my glasses are a little bent, there was almost no way to get away with wearing them in the picture.
In other news, my dad came up yesterday, so we got to talk for a couple hours after church. He's going to help me out when it comes time to do support letters, getting me his brothers' addresses and saying he'd cover a decent amount of the trip--he didn't say how much, but that doesn't matter. The latter was good news, since I don't really know of many people I can send support letters to. Oh well, God will provide.
Anyway, I know I haven't updated on my weight lately. There's a simple reason for this. I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half. I hopped on the scale this morning, and the news isn't too bad--I've only gained 2 pounds. Well, that's not too important, so let's move on.
I just applied for a passport today. I know, exciting, huh? I had to wait behind one other person, and by the time my application was in, three other people had walked in, so I guess I caught them just as it started to get busy. That took a fair chunk of money, since I'm somewhat impatient and went with expedited, and they had to take my picture there--and since my glasses are a little bent, there was almost no way to get away with wearing them in the picture.
In other news, my dad came up yesterday, so we got to talk for a couple hours after church. He's going to help me out when it comes time to do support letters, getting me his brothers' addresses and saying he'd cover a decent amount of the trip--he didn't say how much, but that doesn't matter. The latter was good news, since I don't really know of many people I can send support letters to. Oh well, God will provide.
24 March 2012
Gungor!
Okay, first, I realize that I've neglected to update my weight. Sorry. I lost 5 pounds in the week leading up to Wednesday, even though I didn't work out on Thursday or Friday, and ordered a pizza on Friday. Whatever.
Anyway, on to the main body of this post. Last night, I went to see Gungor in Des Moines. It was great. It was easy to tell that the band (especially Michael and Lisa Gungor) love what they're doing. When songs about double in length due to jam-out sessions, and those two are dancing around the stage, it's magic. Of course, they played what is just about my favorite song ever, as well as my favorite song from the Beautiful Things album, though that one was played as the final encore. Definitely worth the money if you can make it to another stop on this tour, or another tour in the future.
Anyway, on to the main body of this post. Last night, I went to see Gungor in Des Moines. It was great. It was easy to tell that the band (especially Michael and Lisa Gungor) love what they're doing. When songs about double in length due to jam-out sessions, and those two are dancing around the stage, it's magic. Of course, they played what is just about my favorite song ever, as well as my favorite song from the Beautiful Things album, though that one was played as the final encore. Definitely worth the money if you can make it to another stop on this tour, or another tour in the future.
19 March 2012
It's getting crazy
So, on Saturday, my phone was acting up. It refused to receive any signal in my apartment. The problem was, I needed to secure a ride to setup for church the next morning. So, in the late afternoon, I went for a walk to search for a signal. After walking for a bit, I found it. I tried to send a text and.....no signal. I walked for a little bit longer, and got signal again! So I tried to send a text and.....no signal. This happened a few times. So I decided to walk to church in the morning--a 50-minute walk, and I had to be there at 6:30.
After watching the ISU-Kentucky game (and realizing that I should NEVER watch sports alone) I was angry and pumped up, and couldn't sleep. I think I got to sleep around midnight. My alarm went off at 4:30, and I felt horrible. But, being me, I couldn't just blow off something I said I'd do, so I dragged myself out of bed, hopped in the shower, got dressed, checked my email, and headed out. I stopped at the gas station to pick up something to drink, and headed north. I arrived early, and waited for everyone else to get there. After setup and a short practice, there was a meeting. It was for people interested in going to a Bring Me Hope camp to volunteer this summer. I attended the meeting, not really expecting anything.
Well, today I gave up on my phone, and set off to get a new one. I bought the new one, the salesperson installed the old sim card in the new phone, and I left. So now my phone has a camera and a full keyboard. Anyway, on the way back, I made a decision about the Bring Me Hope trip. I decided that I was going to go unless God stopped me. If you'll remember, that was the attitude I (eventually) adopted about coming to Iowa City. So on my way back into downtown, I stopped and picked up an application for a passport. I then remembered that I needed to check my voicemail, and there was one from my dad, asking if I had any plans for spring break. I called him back--not the greatest idea, since I was on the bus--and let him know the bad news that spring break was last week. Then I asked him if he still had my birth certificate, and let him know the reason. He said he'd look for it, and that he was planning to come up on Sunday, so he'll bring it then if he finds it. So yeah, looks like I will be leaving the US for the first time in my life.....for two whole weeks. I'm not sure whether the excitement is just terror or not.
After watching the ISU-Kentucky game (and realizing that I should NEVER watch sports alone) I was angry and pumped up, and couldn't sleep. I think I got to sleep around midnight. My alarm went off at 4:30, and I felt horrible. But, being me, I couldn't just blow off something I said I'd do, so I dragged myself out of bed, hopped in the shower, got dressed, checked my email, and headed out. I stopped at the gas station to pick up something to drink, and headed north. I arrived early, and waited for everyone else to get there. After setup and a short practice, there was a meeting. It was for people interested in going to a Bring Me Hope camp to volunteer this summer. I attended the meeting, not really expecting anything.
Well, today I gave up on my phone, and set off to get a new one. I bought the new one, the salesperson installed the old sim card in the new phone, and I left. So now my phone has a camera and a full keyboard. Anyway, on the way back, I made a decision about the Bring Me Hope trip. I decided that I was going to go unless God stopped me. If you'll remember, that was the attitude I (eventually) adopted about coming to Iowa City. So on my way back into downtown, I stopped and picked up an application for a passport. I then remembered that I needed to check my voicemail, and there was one from my dad, asking if I had any plans for spring break. I called him back--not the greatest idea, since I was on the bus--and let him know the bad news that spring break was last week. Then I asked him if he still had my birth certificate, and let him know the reason. He said he'd look for it, and that he was planning to come up on Sunday, so he'll bring it then if he finds it. So yeah, looks like I will be leaving the US for the first time in my life.....for two whole weeks. I'm not sure whether the excitement is just terror or not.
14 March 2012
Weight Watching Wednesday V
Unhappy day. I gained 1 pound in the past week. It probably has something to do with not doing anything during spring break--except working out in the mornings--which causes me to get hungry a lot more often.
Anyway, today I didn't work out for very long. My legs just gave out. I guess 110 pound leg curls, 150 pound leg extensions, 160 pound squats and 438 pound leg press is a bit much--though the only one I could do 10-rep sets was the leg extensions.
Well, short post today. Later.
Anyway, today I didn't work out for very long. My legs just gave out. I guess 110 pound leg curls, 150 pound leg extensions, 160 pound squats and 438 pound leg press is a bit much--though the only one I could do 10-rep sets was the leg extensions.
Well, short post today. Later.
08 March 2012
I can't hold it in
Today in my Speech class, there was a special assignment. Three people had to get up and tell a sad/funny/scary story without using any nonverbal communication--for a get-out-of-one-assignment-free card. Of course, I went for it. The only issue was, if we made any nonverbal communication--a smile, a hand gesture, change in inflection--the other students would call out "strike," and three strikes and we were out. Well, I didn't make it through my story, so now it's bursting to get out of me, even though it's embarrassing. So y'all get a nice surprise.
------
It all happened back in 9th grade. I was sitting in class, and suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom. Being too shy to actually say something to the teacher, I just held it in. That was my undoing. With about 10 minutes to go in class, I couldn't hold it any more, and peed my pants.
I spent my lunch break trying to dry my pants with paper towels and the hand dryer, with little effect.
Later in the day, it happened again. Middle of class, and I had to pee. At that point, I thought "What the h**l, I've already done it once today," and just peed my pants again.
------
So yeah, sorry for anybody that was made uncomfortable by this story, but I couldn't hold it any longer. And for the rest of you, go ahead, make your jokes.
------
It all happened back in 9th grade. I was sitting in class, and suddenly, I had to go to the bathroom. Being too shy to actually say something to the teacher, I just held it in. That was my undoing. With about 10 minutes to go in class, I couldn't hold it any more, and peed my pants.
I spent my lunch break trying to dry my pants with paper towels and the hand dryer, with little effect.
Later in the day, it happened again. Middle of class, and I had to pee. At that point, I thought "What the h**l, I've already done it once today," and just peed my pants again.
------
So yeah, sorry for anybody that was made uncomfortable by this story, but I couldn't hold it any longer. And for the rest of you, go ahead, make your jokes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)