Wednesday night wasn't very kind to me. I haven't posted this before now because it sucked. After setup for Salt was finished, I was thirsty, and we were in a bar, so I decided to try a screwdriver. "Mom" saw me drinking it, and said a lot about how it wasn't leader-like to be drinking. This hurt a bit--the woman I like being upset with me and saying I'm not a good leader is slightly disconcerting.
I went for a walk (in 20 degree weather without a coat), prayed a little, and then talked to one of my connection group's leaders. His advice basically boiled down to "talk to her." So, after the band finished practicing, I did. I explained that I didn't think it was a big deal, and that the only people there were tech and band people. I managed to avoid pointing out that the drummer was on his second beer of the night, and the bass player was also drinking a beer. Luckily I realized that pulling the "other people are doing it too" card was a bad move.
Then she talked about how Cornerstone has a rule that you can't drink and help out--which I wanted to refute with "but we don't have anything like that here", but didn't--and how her family has a bad history with alcohol.
I then told her that I cared about her opinion, and I liked her. Then she gave me a look that said "I like you as a friend, but..." At the same time, she told me "I'm just a sister." I later repeated that I cared about her opinion, and she repeated that she's "just a sister."
That was about an hour before Salt, and I spent that hour trying not to cry--and feeling worse and worse as the evening wore on. I stayed because I had previously agreed to run house lights, and I'm not going to go back on my word. However, as soon as the last song was done, I took off to go home, lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.
I usually get a ride to class from another Salt Company member on Thursdays, but I skipped that so I could walk and think--and listen to a bunch of worship songs to try and get myself out of the bad mood.
Thursday night, I got a text--from the same leader I had talked to the night before--asking if I was going to the girls' b-ball game. I told him no, and after a few more exchanges, I told him that I just wanted to stay home and be alone. Then he challenged me with "Do you want to be alone because you think thats what God thinks is best for you, you think is best for you, or satan thinks is best for you?" It's really frustrating when someone hits you like that when you're already feeling lousy--especially when you know he's right. So he ended up dragging me to English Club, and to a Community/Office/Parks & Rec viewing party. That night did a lot to bring me out of my bad mood.
I think I'm okay with the whole situation, but the true test will come when I see her tomorrow--the first time since Salt.
29 January 2011
22 January 2011
Update on my weight
It's been nearly a year since I mentioned how the weight loss was going, so I'll throw in a little recap here. At the start of August 2009, I weighed in at 290 pounds. My goal was to get under 200. The weight loss progressed quickly, and by mid-May, I had reached my goal. I hit 195, and stayed in the range from 195-199 until moving to Iowa City. Since then, I've been putting some of the weight back on. This morning, the scale read 218. I've gained back nearly 25 of the 95 pounds I lost.
However, I'm not discouraged. The reason for that is that my pants are still getting larger--relative to me. So, while I'm not losing weight, I'm still losing waist. The simple explanation for this is that I'm still burning off fat, but adding muscle. Either that, or my body has changed where it stores fat, but that's doubtful.
However, I'm not discouraged. The reason for that is that my pants are still getting larger--relative to me. So, while I'm not losing weight, I'm still losing waist. The simple explanation for this is that I'm still burning off fat, but adding muscle. Either that, or my body has changed where it stores fat, but that's doubtful.
21 January 2011
Who is Dean and why am I on his list?
So, I'm on the Dean's List for the second time in my academic career. Last time, it was because I was taking really easy classes in an effort to not flunk out. This time, I'm taking classes at a community college. Whatever.
More importantly, Salt has started up for the spring semester!!!!! We were back in the Blue Moose. We hadn't been there for a long time, and we wanted to try something different for setup, so it took a while to get everything ready. My arms and legs are covered in scrapes and bruises--as I've mentioned before, I'm a klutz. There were times when the three ladders we had weren't enough for setup. The grate we used to use to hang the projector was missing, so a couple of the guys had to rig an new support system out of two handles from the chair carts, a piece of plywood we found, duct tape, zip ties, chains, and rope. Almost everything we hung from the ceiling was supported--at least in part--by zip ties. Nothing fell, so zip ties were enough. Hopefully setup will go more smoothly next time.
More importantly, Salt has started up for the spring semester!!!!! We were back in the Blue Moose. We hadn't been there for a long time, and we wanted to try something different for setup, so it took a while to get everything ready. My arms and legs are covered in scrapes and bruises--as I've mentioned before, I'm a klutz. There were times when the three ladders we had weren't enough for setup. The grate we used to use to hang the projector was missing, so a couple of the guys had to rig an new support system out of two handles from the chair carts, a piece of plywood we found, duct tape, zip ties, chains, and rope. Almost everything we hung from the ceiling was supported--at least in part--by zip ties. Nothing fell, so zip ties were enough. Hopefully setup will go more smoothly next time.
17 January 2011
180
Doing things on minimal sleep has been on this blog before--check here if you don't remember last time. The title of this post refers (approximately) to the number of minutes of sleep I got on Saturday night. It also happens to coincide with the number of posts on this blog so far (counting this one).
At about 6:30 on Saturday night, I got a call from a friend visiting from Ames, asking if I wanted to hang out. I said yes, and waited for the inevitable second call to get directions--the driver had said he knew where my place was (he did, but not exactly how to get here). We ended up playing games--Four on a couch and Boxers or Briefs--until about 12:30 in the morning. The guy driving had to take three people home--counting myself--so I didn't get home until 1. I decided that it would be hard to get to sleep if I didn't follow that part of my routine, so I read a little bit before trying to sleep. At 1:30, I put down the book and quickly fell asleep.
4:30--my alarm went off, telling me it's time to get ready to set up church. I showered, got dressed, got a bottle of Mountain Dew and sat down to watch Sportscenter (the only thing on TV that early) until it was time to go.
At 6, it was time for setup. We got most things setup, and there was no lyrics person, so the lights people got lyrics setup finished. When everything was done, we were thinking that one of us might have to run lyrics. When it was time for practice to start, the creative arts director--our boss--asked if we would be okay to take over lyrics for the day because the person on the schedule was sick.
I sat down at the computer, because "mom" was on the schedule to do lights. She asked if she could do lyrics, and gave a couple reasons--that's what she started with, and she hadn't done it in a long time--but since I had no preference between lights and lyrics (I'm more comfortable with lights, but I'll do whichever of the two needs to be done) she didn't have to give reasons.
The computer was having issues, so we spent most of the next hour trying to get the computer to send a signal over to the screen, so that lyrics would actually work. Finally, it worked, and the rest of practice went smoothly.
I hit the wall just as church was about to start. How I managed to stay on my feet through the worship and the service, I don't know.
After church, I was thinking that I'd watch some football, probably take a nap, and there was a very, very slim chance that I'd get some homework done. As it turned out, I watched football, played some Minecraft, and watched Transformers on TV. I went to bed at 11, after being awake for nearly 20 hours on 3 hours' sleep.
And now for a little description. Some people were telling me that it didn't look like I was operating on only 3 hours of sleep. Sleep deprivation takes a bit to do anything to me. At first, the only outward sign is that I yawn more than normal. I'll feel exhausted, but I don't really show it. By the time I start looking--and acting--like I'm tired, I'll already show some other signs. I start getting extremely paranoid after a while--I've been to the point where shadows make me jump. I'm sure it's entertaining for others, but it's really not fun when it gets to that point.
God built me to wake up easily. Just hopping in the shower is enough for me to be fully awake. The good side of this is what is mentioned above--I don't seem tired unless the lack of sleep gets to an extreme. The bad side is that it's hard for me to get back to sleep after waking up--walking across the room means it'll take about half an hour to get back to sleep, unless I've only gotten an hour or so of sleep to that point.
SIDE NOTE: I finally turned in my Veritas Membership Application yesterday--33 days after the day I filled it out, and four weeks after I had originally intended. So that's one of three potential meetings for specific groups that I won't feel out of place anymore--though that was the one I felt the least out of place. Salt leaders' and Women's retreats will still be the same--if I end up helping out with those again.
At about 6:30 on Saturday night, I got a call from a friend visiting from Ames, asking if I wanted to hang out. I said yes, and waited for the inevitable second call to get directions--the driver had said he knew where my place was (he did, but not exactly how to get here). We ended up playing games--Four on a couch and Boxers or Briefs--until about 12:30 in the morning. The guy driving had to take three people home--counting myself--so I didn't get home until 1. I decided that it would be hard to get to sleep if I didn't follow that part of my routine, so I read a little bit before trying to sleep. At 1:30, I put down the book and quickly fell asleep.
4:30--my alarm went off, telling me it's time to get ready to set up church. I showered, got dressed, got a bottle of Mountain Dew and sat down to watch Sportscenter (the only thing on TV that early) until it was time to go.
At 6, it was time for setup. We got most things setup, and there was no lyrics person, so the lights people got lyrics setup finished. When everything was done, we were thinking that one of us might have to run lyrics. When it was time for practice to start, the creative arts director--our boss--asked if we would be okay to take over lyrics for the day because the person on the schedule was sick.
I sat down at the computer, because "mom" was on the schedule to do lights. She asked if she could do lyrics, and gave a couple reasons--that's what she started with, and she hadn't done it in a long time--but since I had no preference between lights and lyrics (I'm more comfortable with lights, but I'll do whichever of the two needs to be done) she didn't have to give reasons.
The computer was having issues, so we spent most of the next hour trying to get the computer to send a signal over to the screen, so that lyrics would actually work. Finally, it worked, and the rest of practice went smoothly.
I hit the wall just as church was about to start. How I managed to stay on my feet through the worship and the service, I don't know.
After church, I was thinking that I'd watch some football, probably take a nap, and there was a very, very slim chance that I'd get some homework done. As it turned out, I watched football, played some Minecraft, and watched Transformers on TV. I went to bed at 11, after being awake for nearly 20 hours on 3 hours' sleep.
And now for a little description. Some people were telling me that it didn't look like I was operating on only 3 hours of sleep. Sleep deprivation takes a bit to do anything to me. At first, the only outward sign is that I yawn more than normal. I'll feel exhausted, but I don't really show it. By the time I start looking--and acting--like I'm tired, I'll already show some other signs. I start getting extremely paranoid after a while--I've been to the point where shadows make me jump. I'm sure it's entertaining for others, but it's really not fun when it gets to that point.
God built me to wake up easily. Just hopping in the shower is enough for me to be fully awake. The good side of this is what is mentioned above--I don't seem tired unless the lack of sleep gets to an extreme. The bad side is that it's hard for me to get back to sleep after waking up--walking across the room means it'll take about half an hour to get back to sleep, unless I've only gotten an hour or so of sleep to that point.
SIDE NOTE: I finally turned in my Veritas Membership Application yesterday--33 days after the day I filled it out, and four weeks after I had originally intended. So that's one of three potential meetings for specific groups that I won't feel out of place anymore--though that was the one I felt the least out of place. Salt leaders' and Women's retreats will still be the same--if I end up helping out with those again.
12 January 2011
Track Record
It's a good thing my roommate is returning from the Colorado ski trip tomorrow. I've gotten myself worried by talking to myself again. This time the revelation was in regards to my track record with the ladies. As I've mentioned before, there is one woman I'd like to start a relationship with. However, I've been very timid about it. I think I've figured out one (or two) of the main reasons for this.
You want to meet one of the women I've had relationships with in the past? Good luck. They don't speak to me. None of them. I tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and suddenly, they don't want to be around me anymore. I would hate for that to happen again. One of my favorite "wrong things" was: "You are a really weird girl." How could I have known that would go bad? Women are so touchy. However, my record for a girl going from "I'm your girlfriend" to not talking to me is two words. Literally. Right after she said "I'm your girlfriend" I said, "Since when?"
So yeah, I'm not afraid of rejection so much as I'm afraid of my history after the girl says yes. And if you think I'm a different person than the one that said those things above, I am. Now I'm a guy who likes to (occasionally) get one of those what-did-you-just-say-to-me looks. I don't know how to explain this, other than that I am one sick puppy, or maybe I'm simply afraid to be happy--which is an accusation I made of a then-girlfriend who suffered from depression.
Now maybe you understand a bit better why women in middle school and high school only liked me until I opened my mouth. Sometimes the smart, quiet guy in the corner is quiet for a reason.
And further discussion revealed that I'm possibly a little afraid that it will go well. If all goes well, then I've got one less thing to complain about, and I like to complain--at least to myself.
Me sleepy now. Nighty-night.
You want to meet one of the women I've had relationships with in the past? Good luck. They don't speak to me. None of them. I tend to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and suddenly, they don't want to be around me anymore. I would hate for that to happen again. One of my favorite "wrong things" was: "You are a really weird girl." How could I have known that would go bad? Women are so touchy. However, my record for a girl going from "I'm your girlfriend" to not talking to me is two words. Literally. Right after she said "I'm your girlfriend" I said, "Since when?"
So yeah, I'm not afraid of rejection so much as I'm afraid of my history after the girl says yes. And if you think I'm a different person than the one that said those things above, I am. Now I'm a guy who likes to (occasionally) get one of those what-did-you-just-say-to-me looks. I don't know how to explain this, other than that I am one sick puppy, or maybe I'm simply afraid to be happy--which is an accusation I made of a then-girlfriend who suffered from depression.
Now maybe you understand a bit better why women in middle school and high school only liked me until I opened my mouth. Sometimes the smart, quiet guy in the corner is quiet for a reason.
And further discussion revealed that I'm possibly a little afraid that it will go well. If all goes well, then I've got one less thing to complain about, and I like to complain--at least to myself.
Me sleepy now. Nighty-night.
Useless
Last night I was talking to myself--check this post for proof that it's not weird for me--and I realized something. I often have revelations when talking to myself. It's a good way to learn what makes me tick--and what makes me tick often scares me.
Anyway, I realized why I tried to rush back into my normal routine after my appendectomy. I want to show that I'm not useless, and the person I'm trying hardest to prove this to is myself. I guess the Brave Little Toaster left deeper scars than just my hatred of clowns--or maybe I'm just a messed-up person.
In other news, the reason for yesterday's post was to point out that I got a letter in relation to this post, stating that the financial aid had gone through, and I wouldn't have to worry--two days after I'd have to have paid my tuition. Unfortunately, I forgot that while writing the post, so here it is.
Well, I need to leave for my one class soon, so I'll cut this post short.
Anyway, I realized why I tried to rush back into my normal routine after my appendectomy. I want to show that I'm not useless, and the person I'm trying hardest to prove this to is myself. I guess the Brave Little Toaster left deeper scars than just my hatred of clowns--or maybe I'm just a messed-up person.
In other news, the reason for yesterday's post was to point out that I got a letter in relation to this post, stating that the financial aid had gone through, and I wouldn't have to worry--two days after I'd have to have paid my tuition. Unfortunately, I forgot that while writing the post, so here it is.
Well, I need to leave for my one class soon, so I'll cut this post short.
11 January 2011
School stuff
I'm halfway through the first week of my 12th semester of college. I've got 13 hours of classes per week, 7 of which are on Monday and Tuesday. Here's what my schedule looks like:
As you can see, I've only got one class on Wednesday, and Friday; my weekend starts at 10 on Friday; and three days out of the week, I'm done by noon. So what if I have to start early, I'm okay with that.
I switched English classes on Saturday, because my old one was 2-4 on Monday and 2-3 on Wednesday. That left a long break on Wednesday, and meant I'd get home around 5 on Monday--with connection group at 7. I found out today that my English teacher is awesome. He hates the fact that college books are a big ripoff, so we don't have to buy a book. Secondly, his name is Richard Johnson. Anyone that can survive childhood with that name can't be too bad.
I'm not sure if I'll do the grade tracker thing this semester. I kinda gave up on it last semester.
Anyway, I've got to read 7 whole pages for tomorrow, so I better get on that before it gets too late.
08 January 2011
Community
I haven't posted about this yet, mostly because I've been unsure of how to explain it here. It's only gotten harder, but I'll try anyway.
When I got back to Iowa City, I checked my mail (because my dad wanted to see if I had gotten the insurance card proving that I was covered under his plan--I still don't have it) and got a letter stating that my financial aid wasn't going to be paid because I had over 150% of the credits needed for the degree I'm going for (in other words, they were concerned that I might be a "professional student"). They gave me a form to fill out to appeal, but all that had on it was what classes I was taking. It had nothing about what my cumulative GPA--2.12--was before, or what my last semester's GPA--3.33--was, or why I have about 140 credit hours counted at Kirkwood (they transferred over EVERYTHING that I took at ISU--including classes I failed). Since then, I've been waiting for a response, assuming they'd give me a heads-up on whether or not I'd have to worry about how to pay for this semester.
Apparently, I was wrong about expecting a follow-up letter. I went on to the school's website to see if it had gone through. According to the "Financial Aid Checklist", they haven't sent the money. However, according to "My Available Bookstore Funds", the money came through, and everything will be okay. Also, under "My Bill by Term", it's been paid, and I'll be able to buy books AFTER the first day of classes--I learned from last semester.
So, it looks like I won't be forced to get a job in order to pay the rent. Which is great news because,
I don't wanna get a job.
No, no, no, no.
The mild panic is over. Now I can sleep easy knowing that that's another bill paid for by the taxpayers--at least temporarily.
While on the subject of taxpayers paying bills, thanks to those of you who are Iowa taxpayers--you covered the $3171 hospital bill to remove my smaller-than-average appendix (average is 10cm, mine was 8.4--they actually gave me some papers spelling out the dimensions of my appendix).
On a side note, is it weird that seeing pictures of appendectomies--thanks Wikipedia--doesn't ruin my appetite?
When I got back to Iowa City, I checked my mail (because my dad wanted to see if I had gotten the insurance card proving that I was covered under his plan--I still don't have it) and got a letter stating that my financial aid wasn't going to be paid because I had over 150% of the credits needed for the degree I'm going for (in other words, they were concerned that I might be a "professional student"). They gave me a form to fill out to appeal, but all that had on it was what classes I was taking. It had nothing about what my cumulative GPA--2.12--was before, or what my last semester's GPA--3.33--was, or why I have about 140 credit hours counted at Kirkwood (they transferred over EVERYTHING that I took at ISU--including classes I failed). Since then, I've been waiting for a response, assuming they'd give me a heads-up on whether or not I'd have to worry about how to pay for this semester.
Apparently, I was wrong about expecting a follow-up letter. I went on to the school's website to see if it had gone through. According to the "Financial Aid Checklist", they haven't sent the money. However, according to "My Available Bookstore Funds", the money came through, and everything will be okay. Also, under "My Bill by Term", it's been paid, and I'll be able to buy books AFTER the first day of classes--I learned from last semester.
So, it looks like I won't be forced to get a job in order to pay the rent. Which is great news because,
I don't wanna get a job.
No, no, no, no.
The mild panic is over. Now I can sleep easy knowing that that's another bill paid for by the taxpayers--at least temporarily.
While on the subject of taxpayers paying bills, thanks to those of you who are Iowa taxpayers--you covered the $3171 hospital bill to remove my smaller-than-average appendix (average is 10cm, mine was 8.4--they actually gave me some papers spelling out the dimensions of my appendix).
On a side note, is it weird that seeing pictures of appendectomies--thanks Wikipedia--doesn't ruin my appetite?
02 January 2011
I've missed all this
Today was the first Veritas of the decade. I probably violated doctor's orders at least a dozen times today. I'm not supposed to lift, push, or pull more than 10 pounds for the next 2-4 weeks (including the 2 that I've already "not" done it). Everyone else there--except my roommate--seemed very concerned about my health.
Anyway, I missed the last two weeks--was in the hospital two weeks ago, and in Sioux City with family last week--and I noticed something. I really missed it. I was feeling extremely antsy about leaving my apartment to help out. I couldn't wait. On the way back to my apartment, I told my roommate that I got my "fix", and it would have to last for the next two weeks.
During worship, I was on the verge of tears. I nearly wept at my first chance in almost 3 weeks to worship with others. Unfortunately, I'll have to miss next week's Veritas. My dad's family is getting together for a late Christmas.
Anyway, I missed the last two weeks--was in the hospital two weeks ago, and in Sioux City with family last week--and I noticed something. I really missed it. I was feeling extremely antsy about leaving my apartment to help out. I couldn't wait. On the way back to my apartment, I told my roommate that I got my "fix", and it would have to last for the next two weeks.
During worship, I was on the verge of tears. I nearly wept at my first chance in almost 3 weeks to worship with others. Unfortunately, I'll have to miss next week's Veritas. My dad's family is getting together for a late Christmas.
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