My Story

I've mentioned my God story in an earlier post, so I thought I'd share it today. After that, I will have some things related to it, but not enough to be included. Because of that, this will be longer than most of my previous posts, so hang in there. If you want to skip to where I start moving from atheist to Cristian, the next two paragraphs are just lead-ins to that.

When I was little, I thought I was a Christian, because most of my extended family was. As I grew, I started putting my faith into science, and God could not be proven either way. It didn't help that I saw "Christians" being idiots, either. In high school, I was hanging out in the library one day, we somehow got onto the subject of religion. I mentioned that I was an atheist, and the first response I got was "You're going to hell." Just like that. Good job, guy. Threaten me with a place I don't believe in for not believing in it or the things that imply its existence. That'll work. I don't remember having talked to him after that.

Also, at my high school graduation, the stuff really hit the fan. Our class president was gay and was receiving a scholarship for being a gay man. He was elected because he was as close to a football star our school had (they won 2 games my senior year, and hadn't won since my freshman year before those 2). Fred Phelps--PAUSE WHILE MOST PEOPLE SHAKE THEIR HEADS--decided this was the most evil thing that could happen, so he and his posse came up to protest. There was a counter-protest, pies were thrown on Phelps's people....good times. I sank further into atheism, thinking "If there really was a God, He wouldn't let these idiots represent Him."

I came to college, and started meeting people, and listening to why they believed what they believed--mostly because I couldn't understand why they would believe that. It didn't really change anything, just helped fill in why people could believe those things.

My 5th year of college, soon after moving in, I went to visit the only person I knew that had been on the floor the year before. I met his two roommates, and started hanging out there regularly. One night, I somehow joined their Bible Study. I showed up, and they told me there was going to be a Bible Study group there in a few minutes, but I could stay if I wanted. I ended up staying, and started showing up every week. It filled in more of the steps to belief for me, so I could understand how they could believe, but some of those steps seemed impossible to make.

They kept asking if I wanted to go to Salt, but I couldn't. I was the Treasurer of the Chemistry Club here, and that met half an hour before Salt did. I had to go to those meetings. It was also a convenient excuse to avoid going where I didn't want to.

One Thursday, I woke up late--I didn't have any classes on Thursdays then--and was hanging out in my room, waiting for Chem Club. Around 2:30, I checked my email and found out it wasn't meeting. "What am I going to do tonight?" I wondered. Salt never crossed my mind. After a short time, I got bored, and did what I always did when I was bored--went to check out what was happening in the triple dorm. The only one there was the one that got engaged this past week, and he asked if I was coming to Salt tonight. I said, "Well, Chem Club's canceled...." and just trailed off, not saying yes or no. The oldest roommate's then-girlfriend (now his wife) came in with his laundry, and as she was leaving, the guy that just got engaged told her that I was coming to Salt that night. She got this huge smile on her face, and I felt backed into a corner. I said I'd go, knowing that I'd hate it and never want to go again--PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER--and everyone would drop the subject--PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.

When it came time to go, the now-married roommate picked me and another guy up and we headed out. The other guy asked where the girlfriend was, and the driver responded, "She had to bring two girls with her, so she's taking her car instead." "Great." I thought, "I've forced another car to make this trip, and I'm not going to get anything out of it." --YET ANOTHER PAUSE FOR THOSE THAT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER--

We got there, and sat down. The opening worship went on, with me mostly ignoring it. The head of Salt got up to give the message, and I spent most of the time looking at my watch, waiting for it all to end so I could go home. After what seemed like a lifetime, he announced that he would bring someone up to share his story, then the band would play, and we could all go home. "Finally!" I thought. "It's almost over!"

Another guy got up and started sharing his story--running with a bad crowd, blah blah blah. I was ignoring it until he started talking about his relationship--a long-distance relationship with an older woman. His was with a woman a year older, and 150 miles (I think) away. I'm thinking, "Oh, yeah? Try six and a half years older, and 1000 miles away." Now he's got my full attention. He talked about how it seemed like they were in different worlds, and I'm agreeing. Then he said they drifted apart and she broke up with him. My heart skipped a beat. He told that he slipped into a suicidal depression that lasted two months. My heart just about stopped.

I broke down and cried during the end worship. I kept stopping myself, but then I'd think of everything that had to come together for me to hear that guy speaking, and I'd break down again. The two guys that had ridden up with me went off to a small room, and I talked about how hard that had hit me, and they prayed over me.

I couldn't get to sleep until 3 that night. My head kept circling with "Did that really just happen?" "Yes, now shut up and go to sleep." "No, seriously. Did that just happen?" "YES! NOW SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP!" "But really, did that actually happen?" etc. This went on for hours, and finally I fell asleep.

I went through a week, trying not to think about it, but failing, not really getting anywhere with it. The next Thursday, I was once again asked if I was going to Salt. "No." "Come on, come to Salt." "No." "You're going to Salt tonight." "No, I'm not." As soon as he left the room, I ran away. I didn't want to experience anything like that ever again.

The following Sunday started off normal. I woke up bright and early at the crack of 11, and started watching TV. After a little bit, I got bored.... I went to see what the three guys were up to. They weren't there. I suddenly got the feeling that I HAD to get in there TODAY. I didn't know why, I just HAD to get in there. There was something I needed to do. So I'd check about every half-hour, then pace around campus.

Around 6, the big guy returned. I went in and sat down, feeling the restlessness leave me. I still didn't know why I was there, but I was there. He asked if he could read a little to me. I said okay, not really sure where it was leading. The now-married roommate returned during the reading and sat at his computer. The reading ended, and some he asked me some questions. After a little while, he asked if I was ready to accept Christ. I barely had any strength in my voice as I said yes, but it was enough to get the full attention of all two people in the room. I accepted Christ that night, right there.




Okay, now some tangents that I didn't want to go on in the middle. The first one is about the "tough crowd" thing. I didn't remember this then, so it's not included in the God story, but I was in a gang when I was younger--for about two weeks. Yes, the guy who learned to multiply before he learned to tie his shoes, the guy who took algebra in 5th grade (and got an A), the guy who has used Latin in his blog, and the guy who took Astrophysics last spring because "It would be fun." (and it was) was in a gang. After reading the guidelines on what the school district considered a gang, my friends and I started one. After about two weeks, we decided it was stupid, and never brought it up again.

The second tangent is about the depression. The older woman was always telling me that I was too good for her, so when she dumped me, I kept hearing a voice in my head "You couldn't hang on to a girl who thought YOU were too good for HER. Just face it, you'll never be a father like you want to be. Just give up and end it all. It's pointless to go on." This voice also kept telling me ways to end it. One day, I was sitting in a classroom, waiting for class to start, and it started talking again "Just bash your head open against that wall. It'll be over quick." Then I had a vision of what it would look like. The room moving quickly to the right (as I swing my head to the left and into the wall), the look on the instructor's face, the spray of blood as my head rebounds, the second swing at the wall.....and the vision ended. I was terrified. The voice started being quiet. He didn't speak up as much anymore. I believe now that that voice was The Evil One, The Enemy, etc--Satan, and the vision had come from God to scare me enough to stop listening to The Enemy, even though I wasn't a believer at the time.