Completely insane rant

I know, I'm posting twice in one day, but I need to get this insanity off my chest, and it didn't really fit in that last post.

So, I was thinking about the vampire-gorillas (like I said in the title--this is a completely insane rant) and how they seem so docile and peaceful. Then I remembered that vampires can only be killed by stakes made of ash (according to 'Salems Lot by Stephen King--again, I'm not in the mood for fact-checking, it might ruin my rant). That got me thinking. The vampire-gorillas are waiting for the emerald ash borers to finish off the ash trees before they turn hostile and turn us all into legions of the undead. The question is, what are the emerald ash borers getting out of this deal, other than all the trees they can eat? I don't know. I'll keep on this insane mindset and try to figure it out.

Also, I've been considering the possibility that I may, in fact, be part vampire. There are many things to indicate this, but a few discrepancies. I'll start with the supporting evidence:

1. The two marks on my neck that look like a healed vampire bite


2. My aversion to sunlight


3. My aversion to crossing over water (bridges are okay)


4. My mild obsession with counting things--Sesame Street got it right. One way to kill a vampire is to put a pile of mustard seeds (or other similar item) on your doorstep, and the vampire will obsessively count each one, forgetting that he needs to be back before sunrise


5. I suffer from anemia--the reason vampires drink blood is that they can't absorb iron very easily, and so they can't make red blood cells


6. I can't fall asleep in darkness. There has to be some hint of light in the room

Now the evidence against me being part vampire:

1. I love garlic, and it should keep me away (were I a vampire)


2. Sunlight doesn't kill me--I can be outside for hours in summer without so much as a sunburn


3. I'm able to go into a church, read the Bible, and hold a crucifix without getting burned


4. I'm not following the advance of the emerald ash borer with rabid intensity (see earlier in this post)


5. I have a reflection--this one is so obvious I almost forgot it


6. I don't have hair on the middle knuckle of my fingers (check your friends--hair on the middle knuckles means they are either a vampire or a werewolf)

Anyway, that's enough insanity for now. Time to go read the paper and listen to something besides the Esmerelda soundtrack (three times through in a row is almost too much).