Last night, I had my second panic attack in as many weeks. Last Tuesday, it was just a general stressing-myself-to-illness type deal. Last night was more specific.
Last night, Mark talked about the myth of "God called me to ______". He was saying that as long as you follow within God's commands, God will bless you, so you should work within the gifts He has given you. On the way home, I got into a conversation about relationships, and when asked where I was, all I could say was that "I don't think I'm in the right place to pursue anyone right now. I don't have my crap together." I didn't really think about it at the time I said it, but a little while after, I was thinking "How do I get my crap together?" That's when it hit. I'm probably going to fail out of college. Again.
I think I realized what my problem is. I want to go to school/work and work hard there, then go home and BE HOME. I hate bringing work home with me, and I can't seem to force myself to work on that stuff at home. Then I thought, "If you can't bring schoolwork home with you now, what's going to change if and when you become a teacher? Do you think you'll suddenly be able to bring work home then?" Then I started wondering what I am going to do if I'm not in school. I'll have to get a job, and somewhere where they won't look at a person who's never had a job that lasted more than a couple months, and flunked out of college twice as someone they would never hire.
Since getting home last night, I've broken down crying in front of two people (one while sitting down to write this post) and been at least on the verge of crying all the time I've been awake. I don't know where my life is going, I'm not sure where I want it to go, and I don't know what I need to do to go from point A to point B.
I don't think I'm going to Spanish today. I think I've had enough of crying in front of people for one day.
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